This is probably going to be a long, jumbled, rambling post. As I was laying in bed last night unable to sleep for 2 hours (thanks pregnancy insomnia) I kept having ideas run through my head about things I wanted to write about. Things I'm worried about, things I'm looking forward to.
It started with me freaking out a little that it's almost the end of October. As much as I am excited to have another baby, I don't want it to happen so soon! Time is flying by and I'm just not ready. I really love this age and time with Tanner. He's learning so much, talking more and more everyday, and he's simply a great little kid. He's more than I could have ever asked for and I know I am truly blessed in so many ways. I'm worried about splitting my time with him and the baby. Although, in reality, it will probably be just fine. He's a great independent player, and prefers it often. And I know he won't remember this time. He will only remember having a brother, and hopefully a fun playmate.
I'm also having trouble wrapping my head around having a newborn again. I'm hoping this time Wesley sleeps better than Tanner did. If you read my blog back when Tanner was a baby you'll remember he didn't sleep through the night until he was almost 11 months old. An average night he would wake up 4-5 times, often 6. But on the other hand, I know now that it will get better. I barely remember those days. And what I do remember is actually cherishing the time I had with him in the middle of the night. Rocking him, nursing him, and singing sweet songs to him. I'm thankful for that time we had. I'm going to be even more thankful for it with Wesley, as he will be our last baby.
I think one of my biggest worries is going into labor before my mom gets here. Tanner does not go to daycare, and the only person who has babysat him other than my mom just had a baby herself almost 3 weeks ago. She will have a 2 year old and a 4 month old by the time Wesley is ready to come. I just don't want to ask her to watch Tanner when that's a lot to take on. And besides, whoever watches him would have to be able to stay here so he could sleep in his own bed. And Tanner doesn't let just anyone put him to bed. What will I do? Hopefully I won't even have to worry about that and my mom will be here in plenty of time. It will be such a huge relief.
One other thing. I've talked about it before, and I get the side-eye form a lot of people who are just not informed. I am going to attempt a VBAC (a vaginal birth after cesarean). After Tanner's birth I really had a lot of problems coping with how everything happened. To this day, I am still very bitter. Also, the simple fact that I won't be able to pick Tanner up (which would mean in and out of the bath tub, changing his diaper/clothes on his table, in and out of bed, and simply holding and snuggling). With my c-section my incision opened up and took 3 months to heal. That is RIDICULOUS. I just can't do that again. Most of the people who think I'm crazy for even thinking about attempting a VBAC don't realize how safe it actually is. It's even safer than a repeat c-section (as long as the patient doesn't have a crazy medical history or any medical problems during pregnancy).
The biggest "fear" with a VBAC is uterine rupture. There is a 0.7-0.9% chance. With a repeat c-section, the risk for uterine rupture is 0.4-0.5%. There's not much difference! My doctor informed me the last uterine rupture he had and the last one his colleague had were both on patients who never even had a c-section before. Also, the risk of blood transfusions, hysterectomy, and death are all higher with a repeat c-section. And given the fact that this pregnancy is already SO much different than Tanner's, there's hope that maybe this next labor will be different, too. To me, it's worth it to try.
As much as I would love to have a VBAC, I don't think I will be incredibly disappointed if it doesn't happen. If I hit 41 weeks (Feb. 4) I will be having a c-section. And that's okay. Also, if I do go into labor on my own, I will refuse all pitocin, as that can lead to more complications. If my labor stalls, or if Wesley is sunny side up like Tanner was (the reason I never dilated), than I will be perfectly fine going into the c-section. I will be attempting to learn some techniques from spinningbabies.com to help Wesley move into a position that is favorable for labor. Especially if he ends up being breech. My main reasoning as to why I will not let labor go too long, or stall for too long, if because of the risk for "infection". I had one with Tanner and that's the reason he was not able to be in my room with me. And the reason why I had to wait 6 hours to hold him and nurse him. That is my driving factor to going the route I am. It's a shame when I get jealous of seeing women nurse their brand new babies in their hospital bed, when all my memories are of me going tot he nursery and trying to learn how to nurse in a hard rocking chair with tons of people watching me.
I'd like to say I have a lot of time to really process these things and work towards my goal but really, time is flying by. It's almost November. We are flying home in November. Then it's Tanner's birthday, Christmas, Nick's birthday, and then Wesley's birthday. So here's to taking it one day at a time...