Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Bitter regrets

My friend, Kaitlin, and I started talking about something this morning after our run.  It's been on my mind for a very long time, but more so now for some reason.  

I have wanted to write this post for a while but kept changing my mind.  I don't want people to think I am not grateful for what I have.  I am SO grateful.  

I am extremely thankful I have Tanner and how we are so close.  I am so thankful we are still successfully breastfeeding after 9.5 months.  I am thankful he's healthy.  

But I am still so heartbroken with how my labor and delivery (and even recovery) went.  After almost 10 months I still want to cry when I think of Tanner's birth story.  I think after seeing some friends have their babies it's brought the feelings back.  

I think back to agreeing to be induced.  Deep down I knew it wasn't the time.  My body was trying so hard to tell me I wasn't ready for labor.  I wish I could go back and not agree to my doctor breaking my water at a FINGERTIP dilated.  I knew better than that.  I could have gone home and waited it out.  I wish I would have spoke up at night when I realized Tanner's heart rate was in the 190s.  

I think back on the c-section.  I only remember bits and pieces. I'm so bitter.  I wish I could have held my baby right away.  I wish I could have nursed him immediately.  It was so unfair.  I had to wait 6 hours.  6 HOURS TO FEED MY BABY!  I see similar stories of babies on antibiotics, but they were still allowed to be in the mom's room.  I had to get up and walk to the nursery (in tons of pain) every 3 hours to nurse Tanner for 45 minutes.  Then I went back to my bed and pumped for 40 minutes, slept for a little bit, and got back up to walk to the nursery again.  

I feel I missed out on so much.  I know.  I am so lucky to have Tanner and everything worked out so great.  But after spending 9 months imagining how my labor and delivery would go, it truly is heartbreaking when every thing that could go wrong, did. 

Tanner and I spent 30 minutes the other day watching videos of him in the nursery while I was in recovery after the c-section.  My mom and Nick wanted to take as much video as they could because they knew it would be a while before I could see my baby.  I watched those videos during the 6 hours before I could go to the nursery to be with him.  But I was still kind of out of it, and so much was happening, that I didn't really remember.  Watching those videos the other day was like seeing them for the first time. Tanner smiled.  He loved seeing himself.  I cried.  I hate that he was so sick he didn't cry at all when he was getting shots, his bath, or his IV started.  I just stared at that little newborn face, and that grip he had on his daddy's finger.  I wish that could have been me looking at him, instead of watching him through the camera.  

I'm crying now, typing this.  Call me selfish, I don't care.  I wish I could have that time with baby Tanner.  I wish I could have spent hours in bed nursing him instead of trying to nurse him in a hard chair in front of new parents and nurses in the nursery, in the bright fluorescent lights. 

I feel like I'm reliving all of the emotions I had back then.  I really needed to write this.  Maybe I will be able to let go of this, eventually.  I am so scared to get pregnant again.  I don't know what I would do.  That would be another post though.  VBAC vs repeat c-section.  Would I get a different doctor?  Would a doctor in Enid let me try?  Why isn't there midwives in Enid?  I guess I will jump that hurdle when the time comes.  

My sweet baby is waking up from his nap.  I'm going to go snuggle with him and never let go.

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