My friend, Kaitlin, and I started talking about something this morning after our run. It's been on my mind for a very long time, but more so now for some reason.
I have wanted to write this post for a while but kept changing my mind. I don't want people to think I am not grateful for what I have. I am SO grateful.
I am extremely thankful I have Tanner and how we are so close. I am so thankful we are still successfully breastfeeding after 9.5 months. I am thankful he's healthy.
But I am still so heartbroken with how my labor and delivery (and even recovery) went. After almost 10 months I still want to cry when I think of Tanner's birth story. I think after seeing some friends have their babies it's brought the feelings back.
I think back to agreeing to be induced. Deep down I knew it wasn't the time. My body was trying so hard to tell me I wasn't ready for labor. I wish I could go back and not agree to my doctor breaking my water at a FINGERTIP dilated. I knew better than that. I could have gone home and waited it out. I wish I would have spoke up at night when I realized Tanner's heart rate was in the 190s.
I think back on the c-section. I only remember bits and pieces. I'm so bitter. I wish I could have held my baby right away. I wish I could have nursed him immediately. It was so unfair. I had to wait 6 hours. 6 HOURS TO FEED MY BABY! I see similar stories of babies on antibiotics, but they were still allowed to be in the mom's room. I had to get up and walk to the nursery (in tons of pain) every 3 hours to nurse Tanner for 45 minutes. Then I went back to my bed and pumped for 40 minutes, slept for a little bit, and got back up to walk to the nursery again.
I feel I missed out on so much. I know. I am so lucky to have Tanner and everything worked out so great. But after spending 9 months imagining how my labor and delivery would go, it truly is heartbreaking when every thing that could go wrong, did.
Tanner and I spent 30 minutes the other day watching videos of him in the nursery while I was in recovery after the c-section. My mom and Nick wanted to take as much video as they could because they knew it would be a while before I could see my baby. I watched those videos during the 6 hours before I could go to the nursery to be with him. But I was still kind of out of it, and so much was happening, that I didn't really remember. Watching those videos the other day was like seeing them for the first time. Tanner smiled. He loved seeing himself. I cried. I hate that he was so sick he didn't cry at all when he was getting shots, his bath, or his IV started. I just stared at that little newborn face, and that grip he had on his daddy's finger. I wish that could have been me looking at him, instead of watching him through the camera.
I'm crying now, typing this. Call me selfish, I don't care. I wish I could have that time with baby Tanner. I wish I could have spent hours in bed nursing him instead of trying to nurse him in a hard chair in front of new parents and nurses in the nursery, in the bright fluorescent lights.
I feel like I'm reliving all of the emotions I had back then. I really needed to write this. Maybe I will be able to let go of this, eventually. I am so scared to get pregnant again. I don't know what I would do. That would be another post though. VBAC vs repeat c-section. Would I get a different doctor? Would a doctor in Enid let me try? Why isn't there midwives in Enid? I guess I will jump that hurdle when the time comes.
My sweet baby is waking up from his nap. I'm going to go snuggle with him and never let go.