I'm starting to remember why I disliked my doctor after Tanner was born. It's been two years and since going back he seemed better. He said he is very VBAC supportive. The nurses at the hospital even said he was really great with women attempting VBACs and that he was patient with them. From things I've read in my VBACFacts group online, he seemed really great! But really, he's no different than the regular C-section happy doctors.
He's trying to pull the whole 'bait-and-switch' on me. Meaning, he is "very supportive" all the way up until you get close to your due date, and then starts pushing for a repeat c-section. Even though I've told him I've done my research, he seems to think I am naive.
I had a feeling something like this would happen after this appointment. They start doing cervical checks at 37 weeks. I could have denied it, like many women choose to do, but in a way I wanted to have the info. I'm not dilated (no kidding...), but my cervix is soft. My body is working. I wasn't expecting to be dilated. HELLO!?! I'm only 37 weeks! But this is what my doctor said:
"Nope, you're not dilated. Soft, though! At this point, I don't believe you will be very successful with a VBAC. If there isn't much change by next week, I would recommend a repeat c-section at 39 weeks". Frankly, I said "hell no".
First, there are so many stories of women who are overdue who aren't dilated at their appointment and then that night they go into labor. It doesn't matter how much you dilated before you go into labor.
Second, I'm still fairly certain my dates are off. But since my ultrasounds dated the same as my LMP, they didn't move my due date. If I have a c-section at 39 weeks, it will be like having one at 37.5. (I'm pretty certain there is a 10 day difference).
Third, it's just crazy. Why wouldn't I want by body to go into labor on it's own? I want Wesley to pick his own birthday. I want to experience natural, non-pitocin, contractions. I want to have that "is this it?" moment. I want Wesley to get the hormones that my body would give off with labor.
I told him we have a date scheduled for the c-section. At 41 weeks. I don't feel comfortable doing it any sooner. And he said, "ok!".
I should have listened to my mom. She had that feeling about my doctor. Frankly, I did too. But I don't have many other choices in this town. There is only one hospital that even allows VBACs.
Anyway, the rest of the appointment went perfect. Wesley is still head down (but I'm pretty sure he's posterior, which sucks). His heart rate was great, fast. My BP was absolutely perfect for me (114/59).
He didn't even talk to me about my trip to labor and delivery last week either. I doubt he even remembered. After a long day of nesting and cleaning I realized that there was a spot on my c-section incision that was turning red. I had Nick take a picture so I could see it better. It is in the same spot as the hole that opened up one week after Tanner was born. It looks like a blood blister or something, but internal. So, of course, I freaked out. My doctor was on call and at the hospital for surgery and said I could come in to have it checked out. So I did.
After peeing in a cup, getting a bed, and being hooked up to monitors for 45 minutes he came by and took a look. I don't know why they did all of that, he said I could just come by for a quick look. Whatever.
He said he wasn't concerned about it. But he couldn't tell me what it was, or why it was there. The nurse assumed it was because I was probably doing too much that day. It's still there but not quite as red. I'm worried about it though. I don't want anything to happen to my incision. I don't want my uterus to rupture. And any change I see, is alarming to me.
I'm starting to get that feeling again. When I was pregnant with Tanner, I just KNEW I would be induced and it would end up in a c-section. I remember re-reading it in a post at the beginning of this pregnancy. I've got that feeling again. I just know Wesley will be born via c-section on February 4th. I'll have to live with the what-ifs for the rest of my life. What if I didn't get induced with Tanner. Maybe I would never have had a c-section. Maybe I would never have had to have two surgeries. Or the "I wonder what a natural labor and delivery would have been like." "I wonder how different a normal recovery would have been"...
Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I just think how some of my friends think like..."At least you have a healthy baby". They just DON'T understand everything else that goes along with a traumatic birth. I feel robbed. I'm a woman. Women are made to grow and birth babies. Why can't I do that?
I've seen this picture on Facebook, and It's how I feel most days.
OF COURSE I am beyond happy and in love with Tanner. And if I had to do it over again, I would do all of it again. And he was healthy and happy. But that doesn't make this feeling go away. And I know I'm not alone in that. If I have to have another c-section, which is very likely, I hope it can help take some of that pain away.