Wesley's Birth Story

I guess I should go ahead and write this before I forget everything.  I don't really know where to start.  

Maybe from the beginning.  The very beginning.  I knew when we conceived Wesley.  But since I was still nursing Tanner, my cycles were a bit crazy.  Based on my last menstrual period (the due date my doctor went by) my due date was January 28th.  But I knew it was about 10-14 days later.  I had two early ultrasounds and they both agreed with my doctor.  Which made arguing my due date pretty difficult.  I kept hoping since my cycles were weird, that maybe my doctor was right.  I so wanted that VBAC. And since my doctor won't deliver VBACs past 41 weeks, I had a feeling it would end not the way I hoped for.  

I suppose I can fast forward to a week before my "due date".  I lost my mucous plug and began having prodromal labor.  Non painful contractions all day every single day.  I was slowly dilating.  My body was working!  But just not as fast as my doctor was wanting.  But seeing as I thought I wasn't due for a few more weeks, it all made sense.  I was walking everyday, sitting on my birthing ball, relaxing, drinking red raspberry leaf tea, eating dates, the whole nine yards.  Every natural induction technique you can think of, I did it.  (No castor oil, though).  My repeat c-section was scheduled for 7am on Tuesday morning.

Monday came.  I called my doctor hoping I would be able to postpone my section until Thursday or Friday.  I just needed a little more time.  So he had me come in to be checked.  Everything was still perfect.  Blood pressure was low, no protein in my urine...But I was still only 1cm dilated.  He did a pretty intense membrane sweep to hopefully get things started that day/night before the c-section the next morning.  While he was doing that I had a little scare.  He couldn't find Wesley's head!  A few nights before that he had been moving like crazy.  I just figured he was maybe getting into a better position for birth.  Not once did it cross my mind that he may have flipped breech!  So we went to have a quick ultrasound.  This was pretty neat, because my mom and Tanner got to see!  Wesley wasn't breech, he was just floating really high.  But since I hadn't "progressed" since my appointment the week prior, the c-section was still scheduled for the next morning.  I went home a little bummed but still a bit hopeful.  I got one more big walk in and was having some contractions and slight cramping the whole time!  

That night was pretty miserable.  A big snow storm was working it's way into Oklahoma.  My doula was driving north to stay with family so she could be there for us.  It would be about a 20 minute drive vs over an hour (that's without snow).  We wanted to get to the hospital extra early so we wouldn't have to drive in the snow.  We needed to be there at 5am.  The snow was predicted to come in at 4am.  So, we left the house at 3:15.  It was snowing.  (It snowed the day we drove to the hospital to have Tanner, too).  I was having contractions every 4,6,9 minutes.  I was sort of hoping I could talk them into starting a slow induction since I was contracting and We would be there extra early.  The nurse checked me, and I was still 1cm. 

Last ever bump picture. I can't believe how swollen I was!

At that point I had to change my way of thinking.  I knew my VBAC wasn't going to happen. The anesthesiologist was on her way to talk to me.   I needed to to drop the one thing that had been on my mind constantly for 9 months.  I needed to start thinking about how I could make this c-section family oriented and a healing thing.  My doula read some scriptures to me and I tried to keep them in my mind.  

So, so swollen.

I got hooked up to monitors, got my IV, got fluids, meds, antibiotics, and my blood drawn.  All in what seemed like 10 minutes.  I was thinking it was still around 5:30 when they said it was almost time to go back.  It was 6:45.  I was so scared.  

Walking to the OR was such a strange feeling.  I've done it plenty of times before as a nurse, but this time I was on the other side.  So white. So cold.  So sterile.  I was very thankful for the wonderful nurse who was there with me.  They all knew I was a nurse and that I worked at that hospital.  It must have been in my file, because I didn't tell them.  They talk to me differently than I think they would if I wasn't a nurse.  Maybe that's a good thing?

I hopped up onto the table and they began talking me through the spinal.  I had a contraction right before.  I tried to remember the way it felt.  I knew it would be the last one I ever felt.  Thinking about that now hurts a little bit.  Bittersweet, I suppose.  The spinal hurt just a little bit.  I'm pretty sure the part that hurt the most was the local anesthetic they used to numb the area first.  And soon my feet started feeling warm.  The warm sensation slowly started moving up my legs and to my belly.  They helped me lay down and started doing the prep work.  And then I heard my doctor's voice.  Usually you would want your doctor's voice to be comforting.  But the bitter feeling I had for him after Tanner was born was back.  And much worse.  (It would get a lot worse the next night, but I'll get to that).  But things were moving so fast, and I wanted to concentrate on what was going on around me.  With Tanner's c-section I was so sick that I don't remember it.  I wanted to be able to hear them talking, and I wanted to hear Wesley's cry.  They gave me oxygen, and I started feeling tugging and pulling.  I started shaking.  Which is normal.  They tried to tell me not to fight it.  That there was nothing I could do to get it to stop until the anesthesia wore off.  

The next thing that happened was so comforting.  I saw Nick's eyes.  He was there holding my hand and talking to me.  My doula was there, too!  Usually they won't let more than one person back in the OR, because it's a "small room".  But my sweet husband kindly reminded them that there were 6 nursing students in the OR when I had my first c-section.  He didn't back down.  I'm so thankful!  My doula took pictures for us.  

I heard my doctor say, "chubby cheeks! Look at that hair! LOTS of hair!".  Nick immediately tried to stand up to see.  The anesthesiologist got mad at him and told him to sit down.  Which made him mad.  He was able to watch with Tanner, but we had a different anesthesiologist. I'm sure she just didn't want him to pass out or something.   And before I knew it my doctor had Wesley in his hands.  They opened the little window and I got to see my boy!  My eyes immediately filled with tears.  And the weight of this pregnancy and the constant stress/worry for that VBAC I wanted was gone.  My boy was here!  I got to hear his little voice!  

Getting ready to see my baby for the first time

While they were cleaning him up and weighing him my doctor was telling me how my uterus looked great.  He wouldn't worry if I wanted to get pregnant again.  (I don't, by the way) The nurse and Nick brought Wesley to me and to got to touch his precious face.  He was born at 7:21am.  Weighing 7 lbs 9.75 oz.  That's pretty much the exact same weight Tanner was (7 lb 9.8 oz). He was 19.5 inches long. They took him to the nursery, and said they would bring him back to me in recovery in a few minutes.  

Listening to my baby!

The part I would find out about the next night is about the test they did on him in the OR.  I guess it's called the Doobawitz.  Or something that sounds like that.  They do a bunch of different tests to determine how far along he actually was.  My doctor thinks 41 weeks.  The test showed he was 39 weeks.  Just like I thought.  I'm trying really hard not to think about that extra time I may have been able to have.  And that maybe I could have had a VBAC.  I'm really trying not to dwell on this like I did with Tanner's birth.  

I felt great when I was in recovery.  I could already move my toes almost immediately.  The double doors opened up and there was Nick holding Wesley, walking back to me.  I was so happy to see them.  I wanted so badly to be able to have that skin to skin time and to try to start nursing right away.  But just like with everything else that happened, that didn't quite go the way I was hoping.  Wesley wouldn't latch.  I'll save all that drama for my next blog post.  

I made sure to take it fairly easy.  I didn't want my incision to open up like it did the first time around.  And so far, so good.  Although I could have sworn it would rip open once I got back to my room.  Apparently my body does not like the medicine in the spinal.  I threw up every 20 minutes for a couple hours.  And throwing up with a freshly opened abdomen sucks big time. With some Zofran, Phenergan, sprite and time, the nausea got better.  My mom was able to drive Tanner to the hospital that night to meet Wesley.  The snow was pretty bad, but thankfully the road to get to the hospital is one of the town's main roads, and it was continuously being plowed.  I didn't get to see them the next day because the temperatures were in the negatives and the roads were iced over.  That was really hard, but Tanner had a lot of fun with his Memaw!  And we also had a little extra time to try to get Wesley to latch.  Which still didn't happen.  

I was discharged the next morning, but since Wesley wasn't allowed to be discharged yet, we got to stay in our room.  I never needed to use anything other than Motrin.  No narcotics.  I have to say having a c-section without having a 47 hour labor before is much easier to recover from.  It still hurts, don't get me wrong! But it's definitely more tolerable.  

If I think about everything besides our nursing struggles, I can honestly say I'm happy.  I still would have loved for the outcome to be different.  But It was a healing birth.  And the only baby blues I've had are related to breastfeeding.  And as of right now (3 weeks in) things are much better!  

My family is complete.  And I am happy!  Welcome to the world, sweet Wesley!  

Bitter regrets

My friend, Kaitlin, and I started talking about something this morning after our run.  It's been on my mind for a very long time, but more so now for some reason.  

I have wanted to write this post for a while but kept changing my mind.  I don't want people to think I am not grateful for what I have.  I am SO grateful.  

I am extremely thankful I have Tanner and how we are so close.  I am so thankful we are still successfully breastfeeding after 9.5 months.  I am thankful he's healthy.  

But I am still so heartbroken with how my labor and delivery (and even recovery) went.  After almost 10 months I still want to cry when I think of Tanner's birth story.  I think after seeing some friends have their babies it's brought the feelings back.  

I think back to agreeing to be induced.  Deep down I knew it wasn't the time.  My body was trying so hard to tell me I wasn't ready for labor.  I wish I could go back and not agree to my doctor breaking my water at a FINGERTIP dilated.  I knew better than that.  I could have gone home and waited it out.  I wish I would have spoke up at night when I realized Tanner's heart rate was in the 190s.  

I think back on the c-section.  I only remember bits and pieces. I'm so bitter.  I wish I could have held my baby right away.  I wish I could have nursed him immediately.  It was so unfair.  I had to wait 6 hours.  6 HOURS TO FEED MY BABY!  I see similar stories of babies on antibiotics, but they were still allowed to be in the mom's room.  I had to get up and walk to the nursery (in tons of pain) every 3 hours to nurse Tanner for 45 minutes.  Then I went back to my bed and pumped for 40 minutes, slept for a little bit, and got back up to walk to the nursery again.  

I feel I missed out on so much.  I know.  I am so lucky to have Tanner and everything worked out so great.  But after spending 9 months imagining how my labor and delivery would go, it truly is heartbreaking when every thing that could go wrong, did. 

Tanner and I spent 30 minutes the other day watching videos of him in the nursery while I was in recovery after the c-section.  My mom and Nick wanted to take as much video as they could because they knew it would be a while before I could see my baby.  I watched those videos during the 6 hours before I could go to the nursery to be with him.  But I was still kind of out of it, and so much was happening, that I didn't really remember.  Watching those videos the other day was like seeing them for the first time. Tanner smiled.  He loved seeing himself.  I cried.  I hate that he was so sick he didn't cry at all when he was getting shots, his bath, or his IV started.  I just stared at that little newborn face, and that grip he had on his daddy's finger.  I wish that could have been me looking at him, instead of watching him through the camera.  

I'm crying now, typing this.  Call me selfish, I don't care.  I wish I could have that time with baby Tanner.  I wish I could have spent hours in bed nursing him instead of trying to nurse him in a hard chair in front of new parents and nurses in the nursery, in the bright fluorescent lights. 

I feel like I'm reliving all of the emotions I had back then.  I really needed to write this.  Maybe I will be able to let go of this, eventually.  I am so scared to get pregnant again.  I don't know what I would do.  That would be another post though.  VBAC vs repeat c-section.  Would I get a different doctor?  Would a doctor in Enid let me try?  Why isn't there midwives in Enid?  I guess I will jump that hurdle when the time comes.  

My sweet baby is waking up from his nap.  I'm going to go snuggle with him and never let go.

Tanner's Birth Story

WARNING:  This is going to be extremely long.  I wanted to document as much as I could so I could always remember.  I'll try to make a bunch of paragraphs and add pictures in to make it not so hard to read.  

Tanner's birth story and hospital stay.

We woke up on December 6th to our first snow.  I was hoping it was a sign of good things to come.  I woke up at 3:30am and was looking for any good sign.  I had a gut feeling that this induction wasn't going to go well.  On the drive to the hospital Nick asked me what I wanted to listen to on the radio.  He knew I was really nervous.  Somehow Christmas music wasn't feeling right so I said I wanted to listen to some rock music.  I should have taken the names of the two songs we listened to on the drive there as another sign of a bad sign.  Flyleaf's "I'm so sick", and Sixx AM's "This is gonna hurt".  Sigh.

We got to the hospital at 7:30am and I was hooked up to the monitors, lab work done, consent signed, and IV started all by 8am.  My doctor came in and checked me.  Still not dilated at all.  We discussed Cytotec vs Cervadil and thankfully my doctor agrees with me about not wanting to use Cytotec.  So Cervadil was started at 9am.  I had to be on bedrest for 2 hours and when that time was up I was able to be taken off the monitors and free to walk the halls.  For a while at lunch time my cramping was getting pretty bad.  I was getting my hopes up for going into labor without having to have Pitocin.  But no such luck.

I was hooked back up to the monitor at 7:30pm.  I was having contractions all along, 1.5-2 minutes each, 6.5 minutes apart.  But I wasn't having any bad pain.  My doctor came in at 9pm and I was still not dilated, but effaced just a little. So Pitocin was started at 10pm.

12 hours later when my doctor came back to check me again I was only 60-70% effaced.  He told me he would come back in at lunchtime to break my water. From everything I've ever read I thought doctors waited until you were 4 or 5 cm before they broke your water.  Well when my doctor came back in at 1:15, I was a fingertip dilated and he was still going to try.  My doctor uses the internal fetal monitor to break his patient's water.  Apparently it's a smaller hook and he can go ahead and attach it to the baby to monitor him better.  After two attempts he ended up having to use a hook and he broke my water.  It was the weirdest feeling ever. 

I started feeling pain with the contractions almost immediately, and when the nurse offered to bring in a birthing ball to sit on I gladly accepted.  I don't know how anyone can labor laying down in a bed!  That ball was so much more comfortable. I sat on it for hours. Nick sat behind me and put counter pressure on my lower back when I had contractions. I had pretty bad back labor.

Around 3pm I was 1-2cm dilated.  I was starting to get uncomfortable and nauseous so I asked for the Nubain and some Zofran.  I am so glad I asked the nurse the day before to get the order for Zofran!  The Nubain acted really fast and I felt drunk.  It helped me get a little farther though my labor but at that point I knew I would be asking for an epidural.

The pain got real intense around 4pm.  And It was such a blur from then on.  My contractions were all over the place.  12 minutes apart, 4 minutes apart, 8, 7...I was checked and was 80% effaced and 2-3 cm.  After that my contractions went to 2-3 minutes apart.  I don't really remember asking for the epidural but when the anesthesiologist showed up at 5pm I was so happy!  It was in at 5:20pm and I was able to take a 2 hour nap.  Which was so nice.  When I woke up my Pitocin was at the highest dose (they had been titrating the infusion rate all day).  

At about 9 or 10pm my Pitocin was turned off.  My contractions were on top of each other and not really helping me progress.  They didn't want to stress my uterus out more than it already was.  I was then told I could go in for a C-section at 8am the next morning or wait it out until 1pm (24 hours after my water broke) to have the C-section.  There was a slight chance Tanner could come during the night.  So since my Pitocin was turned off, my epidural was turned down as well.  

 At 12:30am my epidural was turned back up because I was feeling my contractions, even without the Pitocin. I was 4-4.5cm dilated and more effaced.  I was having bad cramping and would not stop shaking.  I realized my body deals with pain by shaking.  It was bad.  I wanted to go ahead and plan for the 8am C-section at this time.  I was so exhausted.  And after some tears they stopped my Pitocin.  I never really slept the rest of the night.

At 4:30am the nurse came in to check my vitals.  I started to have a temperature, 99.4.  It was still low, but they were watching it and went ahead and gave me IV antibiotics and increased my fluids, which actually hurt more than some of my contractions.   I was still only 4-4.5cm dilated.

Thirty minutes later my temperature was 100.3.  And since it was still rising the 1pm C-section was out of the question.  I would be having a C-section at 8am that morning.  I had to have my epidural increased even more because I was having extreme pain.  And even after it was increased the pain didn't go away.

An hour later my temperature was 104.1.  My antibiotics were still running.  I was so thirsty, all I wanted was ice.  But I was also very, very nauseous.  I was given some more Zofran, but it did nothing.  I began vomiting, and I still had the intense pain.  I was completely miserable.  My epidural didn't feel like it was working at all.

From 7 to 7:45am I was prepped for the C-section.  I could barely keep my eyes open.  Things were beginning to get really foggy.

I was taken back to the OR at 7:45am.  Shaking uncontrollably.  It seemed like the prep for the c-section was taking forever.  It was very hazy to me.  Nick was called back at 8:00am.  I don't remember much.  I remember his hand on mine and the anestheologist talking about taking pictures.  My Dr was talking about random things.  I also remember feeling everything with the surgery, just with no pain.  At some times there may have been some very uncomfortable feelings but not quite pain. 

After 47 hours of labor Tanner was born at 8:06am on December 8th.  I saw his face through the little window in the blue drape.  I heard his cry and told Nick that I was pretty sure he could go see him.  He did.  I don’t remember much more after that.  Nick showed me pictures of me posing with him, and one of Tanner and me, but I don’t remember taking them.  I also think Nick kissed me before he left but I’m not sure at all.  I suppose that’s because my temp was 105 something at that point.  I was taken back to recovery but the only thing I can remember from that is not being able to breathe comfortably.  I felt like my tongue was blocking my airway and someone was sitting on my chest.  Not to mention the extremely dry mouth.  All I wanted was my baby and ice.  Oh how I wanted ice. 

I remember trying to keep my eyes open and focus on what the nurses were talking about.  It seemed like an eternity.  But really it was only about 30 minutes.  And the weirdest thing happened.  It seemed like in an instant my fever broke and I was awake.  It literally was within a minute or two.  Recovery was going well and I was wheeled out to the nursery window at about 45 minutes after the C-section.  I immediately fell in love with the sight of Nick with Tanner.  I remember thinking how handsome Tanner was.  He had a bad cone head because he was stuck in my pelvis, but it was adorable. 

I was so upset to find out that Tanner had a temp when he was born too, 104.7, I believe.  I was so worried about having to wait the normal 45 minutes after a normal C-section to start breastfeeding, and here I was told I would have to wait 6 HOURS before I could see my baby.  He had to have IV fluids and antibiotics in the nursery to keep away any infection that may happen.  There was meconium in the fluid during the C-section, but none when my Dr. broke my water the day before.  

Nick and my mom took pictures and video of Tanner in the Nursery so I could see my baby.  After lunch Nick told me he was going to go check on Tanner and when he left our room I started crying.  I was sad I couldn't go too.  But a couple of minutes later Nick came back into the room with the biggest smile!  Apparently Tanner's IV wasn't working and they had to call another nurse to come in to get a new one started so he wasn't chained to an IV and monitor.  Behind Nick was a nursing student pushing the bassinet with my baby in it!  I had maybe 10-15 minutes with him in my room.  I wasn't going to be able to see him until 4pm so I was just ecstatic!  I cried.

Now, since this has gotten so long I will go ahead and just sum up the rest of our stay.  The pediatrician said Tanner could stay in the hospital for up to 5 days, depending on the tests that were sent out.  And he had to stay in the nursery while he was on antibiotics.  So I would go into the nursery every 3 hours around the clock to try to nurse and love on my little guy.  It was draining, and I hurt pretty bad from the surgery.  I just hated leaving him each time.  

I was discharged on Saturday but since Tanner was still admitted I was able to keep my room.  During our morning visit to the nursery Tanner's IV started messing up.  The pediatrician said his cultures came back fine and he had 48 of the 72 hours of antibiotics he needed and he believed he was okay.  They unhooked him and we were able to bring him to our room for good.  I was like Christmas!  I can't imagine the moms who have their babies in the NICU for months.  My heart breaks for them!

On Sunday the pediatrician said everything looked good and Tanner would be able to come home with us!  The only problem we had was since it took is so long to try nursing Tanner had trouble learning how to suck and latch.  We are still working on it and slowly making progress.

I am so happy!

(I do have to say my heart explodes every time I see Nick with his son.  I don't know what it is.  I love them so much I could burst!)