Photoshop

My sweet husband surprised me with Photoshop Elements!  I am so excited to play with it, and design things.  I've already edited a few pictures.  

I'm going to play around with the look of my blog, so please be patient with me.  Things might look strange, and resized wrong, but I will figure it out. :)

Bitter regrets

My friend, Kaitlin, and I started talking about something this morning after our run.  It's been on my mind for a very long time, but more so now for some reason.  

I have wanted to write this post for a while but kept changing my mind.  I don't want people to think I am not grateful for what I have.  I am SO grateful.  

I am extremely thankful I have Tanner and how we are so close.  I am so thankful we are still successfully breastfeeding after 9.5 months.  I am thankful he's healthy.  

But I am still so heartbroken with how my labor and delivery (and even recovery) went.  After almost 10 months I still want to cry when I think of Tanner's birth story.  I think after seeing some friends have their babies it's brought the feelings back.  

I think back to agreeing to be induced.  Deep down I knew it wasn't the time.  My body was trying so hard to tell me I wasn't ready for labor.  I wish I could go back and not agree to my doctor breaking my water at a FINGERTIP dilated.  I knew better than that.  I could have gone home and waited it out.  I wish I would have spoke up at night when I realized Tanner's heart rate was in the 190s.  

I think back on the c-section.  I only remember bits and pieces. I'm so bitter.  I wish I could have held my baby right away.  I wish I could have nursed him immediately.  It was so unfair.  I had to wait 6 hours.  6 HOURS TO FEED MY BABY!  I see similar stories of babies on antibiotics, but they were still allowed to be in the mom's room.  I had to get up and walk to the nursery (in tons of pain) every 3 hours to nurse Tanner for 45 minutes.  Then I went back to my bed and pumped for 40 minutes, slept for a little bit, and got back up to walk to the nursery again.  

I feel I missed out on so much.  I know.  I am so lucky to have Tanner and everything worked out so great.  But after spending 9 months imagining how my labor and delivery would go, it truly is heartbreaking when every thing that could go wrong, did. 

Tanner and I spent 30 minutes the other day watching videos of him in the nursery while I was in recovery after the c-section.  My mom and Nick wanted to take as much video as they could because they knew it would be a while before I could see my baby.  I watched those videos during the 6 hours before I could go to the nursery to be with him.  But I was still kind of out of it, and so much was happening, that I didn't really remember.  Watching those videos the other day was like seeing them for the first time. Tanner smiled.  He loved seeing himself.  I cried.  I hate that he was so sick he didn't cry at all when he was getting shots, his bath, or his IV started.  I just stared at that little newborn face, and that grip he had on his daddy's finger.  I wish that could have been me looking at him, instead of watching him through the camera.  

I'm crying now, typing this.  Call me selfish, I don't care.  I wish I could have that time with baby Tanner.  I wish I could have spent hours in bed nursing him instead of trying to nurse him in a hard chair in front of new parents and nurses in the nursery, in the bright fluorescent lights. 

I feel like I'm reliving all of the emotions I had back then.  I really needed to write this.  Maybe I will be able to let go of this, eventually.  I am so scared to get pregnant again.  I don't know what I would do.  That would be another post though.  VBAC vs repeat c-section.  Would I get a different doctor?  Would a doctor in Enid let me try?  Why isn't there midwives in Enid?  I guess I will jump that hurdle when the time comes.  

My sweet baby is waking up from his nap.  I'm going to go snuggle with him and never let go.

I love fluffy mail!!!

How is it possible to get so excited over cloth diapers? I sold a few diapers and wanted to buy some more with the money.  I've been liking Kawaii lately, I think they work well with Tanner's cute thighs.  So I bought some.  12 to be exact.

(I didn't set my camera right with these pictures, so I know they are a little washed out.)

10 Years!

Today is a pretty special day for Nick and me.  Ten years ago today, we became a couple!  It was a pretty awkward day, that we laugh about now.  But it was great!  We've been through so much.  4 years being high school sweethearts, 4 years long distance through college, 2 years married, and a baby.  

I'm going though some pictures I have from High School and all these memories come flooding to me.  It's been so long ago, but it feels like just a couple of years.  I'm so thankful to have Nick in my life.  We pretty much grew up together.  And looking through those pictures just makes me love him more.  

Happy sort-of anniversary, Nick!  I love you!

After school one day with JROTC

Sophomore year JROTC Military Ball

Rifle meet. (Read: me kicking some major butt!)

My 18th Birthday at Olive Garden

Signing a card to grandma Richardson.

Awards day 2006

Bristol

Academy football!

Newly engaged.  On the phone telling family.

Academy Ring Dance

Toby Keith concert

Seeing and holding Tanner for the very first time.

Spouse Flight

Nick's squadron had a fun filled Friday.  It started with spouse flights in the T-1, a burger burn, and a squadron re-designation.  And then we had a party Saturday night!  

Nick's squadron was the 32nd, but after Friday it is now the 3rd.  Word was flying around saying we were "dropping a deuce".  Get it?  Deuce? Two? Haha.

Originally I was planning on doing a T-1 simulator only, because 1) I don't like to fly, and 2) Tanner has a pretty strict schedule.  I didn't want to mess that up, since he has been doing so well lately.  I also didn't know when I would be able to pump, as he has my milk supply perfect right now.  I was so worried I would be gone and he would be hungry and upset.

Nick told me a few weeks ago that there were several spots still open for the spouse flights, and that he really wanted me to see what it is he does.  Deep down I knew I should.  I still didn't want to, but I knew I needed to.

The day finally came, and it was raining!  Great.  This wasn't helping my anxiety.  We got to the squadron and Tanner was crawling around having fun with the some other babies.  I went to the briefings on weather/safety/what to expect.  And then it was time to chill out for a while.  I was scheduled to fly on the second go, so I would be able to feed Tanner again before I flew and he went down for his nap.  Nick took him home and put him down.  And a few spouses and I went to check out the simulator for a while.  (The T-1 simulator can do barrel rolls, by the way).

A little blurry, but super cute.  Sleepy boy.

Once we returned to the squadron we were told the flight before us was 30+ minutes late, which would make us 30+ minutes late taking off.  I instantly went into freak out mode.  I wanted to back out and hang out with my baby. Nick reassured me Tanner was fine, still sleeping, and the flight would be back (even after the delay) in time to feed Tanner.  

The time finally came and we hopped on the bus and drove to the flight line.  We ended up having to wait quite a while more, still.  But eventually our jet landed.  We climbed on board and got buckled into our seats.  But unfortunately our headsets weren't working.  So after 10 additional minutes and a new 'Y' cord, our headsets began working and we took off!  

Sitting on the bus, waiting for our jet.

There it is! #088! Lucky number!

The other jet that we met up with in the air.

No turning back now!

Rain

Take off in a small T-1 is a lot bumpier and faster than commercial.  It was actually pretty cool.  Hearing the pilots go over their check lists and talk to the control tower was reassuring.  We broke through the rain clouds and got to see the sun!  After about 30 minutes we met up with the other T-1 and did some practice air refueling.  We got around 75 feet apart from the other jet.  But apparently they get a lot closer when they have students.  

No more rain! Pretty!

Hard to tell, but there is a wind farm down there.

Joining up with the other jet.

So close!

Turning together

We had a nice hour long flight.  Once we safely landed I quickly sent a text to Nick to see how Tanner was.  Of course the one time Nick puts Tanner down for his nap, Tanner sleeps for 2 hours!  He never does that for me.  I was so relieved.  We got back into the bus and drove back to the squadron.  Nick and Tanner were waiting for me.  Tanner gave me a big kiss.  We went to the burger burn, ate some food, and went to the hangar for the squadron re-designation. After that, it was Tanner's nap time again.  We had Kaitlin and Lucas over for dinner that night as well. It actually turned out to be a great day!

Fall is here! And 9 month update!

Well, sort of.  I think we have maybe 3-4 weeks of nice Autumn weather here in Oklahoma.  It feels amazing outside in the mornings and evenings.  But during the day it's still in the 90s (which still beats 100+).  Tanner loves to get outside in the mornings and evenings!  He will walk around with his push walker and try to eat grass.  

Running is still going well.  I'm doing it every other day because my joints and shins can't take too much at one time.  I guess I'm finally getting old.  

Tanner turned 9 months old on Saturday.  I'm glad his best buddy turned one on the same day because it kept us busy and I probably would have cried.  9 months.  He's been out longer than I was pregnant with him now.  And he is just growing and learning so much, so quickly.  He can say momma, dada, ha, and ba.  He growls, giggles, laughs, whispers.  He can wave when he wants to, give high 5s, and is working on blowing kisses.  He loves to give kisses, and blow raspberries on me.  He knows how to make me laugh and loves it.  He can walk holding only one of our hands now, and when he has both of our hands, he pretty much runs.  He is getting into EVERYTHING!  He is so smart.

He was 19.9 lbs and 27.3 inches at his appointment.  He had to get his flu shot but took it like a champ.  

He is napping ok.  He is great at going down for them but doesn't sleep too long.  Naps range anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours (and hardly ever 2 hours). He goes to sleep at night great, too!  He is still waking up a few times at night, but I really don't mind too much.  

I still can't believe he is 9 months old.  I look at my newborn pictures I have of him and he looks like a completely different baby!  He is starting to look more and more like me.  :)

Trying to eat the grass, again.

Daddy to the rescue!