Getting there!

My last post was pretty negative. So I need to just say something positive.  It may not seem like much, but it's huge to me! Yesterday was Thursday. My last post was talking about last Thursday. I can say yesterday went so smoothly! I was able to get both boys fed, bathed, and ready for bed by myself.  Typically I would have skipped a bath or something like that.  But Wesley was due for a nice soaking bath and Tanner was covered in sand.  

I felt so productive!  And maybe things are starting to turn around! I'm really trying to go with the flow more and step out of my comfort zone.  So what if I'm out in public and the baby starts crying and tanner tries to run off.  I'll deal with, right? I'm trying!

Chatty post

Do you ever have those times where the day starts off nicely and then something snaps in your happy children?

It may start off with a nice play date outside and then the newborn starts screaming because he's overtired. You also have a super dirty toddler because he was playing in dirt and mud (think dirt in his hair). You're trying to get dinner started, and juggle the screaming newborn into the ring sling while washing the toddler's hands and face in the kitchen sink. He starts crying because he wants to play in the water, and since you have your hands full and your mind and thoughts are all scrambled from all the noise, you let him. The newborn finally fals asleep but the ring sling isn't on correctly and it hurts. But you don't dare try to fix it and wake the baby. You notice dinner is boiling over and the toddler has water all over himself and the floor. So you quickly fix the dinner situation and strip the toddler down. At this point he's crying again because you turned the water off. And what do you know, you smell poop. So you somehow get the toddler onto the changing table while holding the sleeping baby in the awkward sling. You change the diaper and while wrapping it up a little turd falls out and falls behind the dresser that is mounted to the wall. Luckily you can jimmy the drawers off to retrieve the turd. You wash your hands and turn the tv on for the fussing toddler. And finish dinner. And all is well. Or is it? The toddler trips and falls over his stool by his chair and starts crying, which wakes the baby and gives you a massive headache and a cold dinner.  This happens to other people, right? It was almost comical. I was thinking, "what's going to happen next?"

I can't ever get the fabric to fit on my shoulder right. And the rings are way too low. But he was sleeping, and there was no way I was going to compromise that!

I'm trying to get this "mothering of two" thing down, but it's just not there yet. I'm thankful Wesley's colic is mostly gone, but I'm trying to get him to nap in his room where it's quiet, and that's been tough.  Timing things is where it gets hard. The boys typically wake up at the same time. Tanner wants to eat and so does Wesley. I'm not one of those lucky people who can nurse while walking around. So I'm sitting down for at least 20 minutes each time Wesley nurses. So he ends up crying while I get tanner situated with his breakfast. And sometimes I'm still nursing Wesley when Tanner is done and wants down from his high chair. This happens at nap time, too. (Like right now. I have a nap striker, and Wesley is nursing so I can't get up and tell Tanner to get back in bed). Typically it's not as bad at bedtime because Nick is usually home.  

Most morning (definitely not all) I wake up feeling great. I want to clean the house and do chores. But after Tanner plays a while, and especially is we have friends over, the living room becomes a disaster area. So after trying to get Tanner some lunch and ready for nap, and Wesley nursing, I'm exhausted and don't feel productive anymore. I'm sure it will get better when Wesley can do more and not get upset when he isn't in my arms. 

It's really hard to complain too much, though. Although Tanner whines and fusses a lot (what two-year old doesn't?), he's really a great kid. He has no jealousy towards Wesley, and his "terrible twos" are not that terrible. 

Once these brand new newborn days are over things will be great. I hate thinking that, because I want to enjoy Wesley at this age. It's just a hard age. Not for everyone, some have it really easy. That's just not my case. But I do know I'll look back on this time with a smile. 

Organize all the things! New beginnings.

The two year old is napping and the newborn finally let me lay him down in the swing to sleep. He has been fighting sleep all day (6:30am-1:30pm), but today has still been better than our "normal" days. This is the third day in a row like that, too.  Probiotic drops, for the win!  Maybe we are on our way to a new normal? 

Anyway, I was sitting here on the couch and was able to look around the house. And for the first time in months, I was able to see it.  Maybe it's the change from colic to happy baby, or the warmer weather, or just the quiet, but I feel great! (I even only got a couple hours of sleep last night!) I feel my normal self coming back.  I want to get on Pinterest and gather ideas.  I want to deep clean.  I want to organize my kitchen, living room, closets, bedroom.....(I'm sure Nick is super excited to read that. I loooove you, Nick!)

I want to make my house pretty.  I want to make myself pretty.  I'm looking forward to starting a new healthy lifestyle, and exercising again. I was looking through old pictures yesterday for throw back Thursday and I found these old pictures of me.  The Lindsey in those pictures is how I still see myself.  It's a completely different person from the stranger I see in the mirror daily.  

So I am going to start living again...once I get this having-two-kids thing down a little better.  I'm going to start making an effort to start liking myself again. I also want to write about it all.  I always feel better after I post something new.  I may be pushing it a bit right now, because who knows, colic could come back and bite me in the butt. And if I'm honest with myself, there are days where I'm trying to rock the screaming baby while sitting on the floor putting a puzzle together with Tanner, with Mickey Mouse playing in the background. And I try to remember the last time I was able to go pee.  But it has to get easier as the days go by.  It's an adventure! One I am striving to enjoy thoroughly, and want to remember forever! Let's see how it goes! 

Wesley: 4 and 5 weeks

This was originally supposed to be a 1 month update, but it's taken me a week and a half to write it. So it will be a 4 & 5 week update.  That happens when you have a toddler and a baby with colic...

Wesley turned a month old on March 4th.  It seems like it's flying by and moving at a snails pace all at the same time.  I've mentioned several times when I was pregnant that I bet Wesley would be completely different than Tanner because my pregnancies were polar opposites.  And oh boy was I right!

STATS: We had a weight check on March 4th.  He was 7lbs 11oz.  So he FINALLY got back to his birth weight (7lbs 10oz).  He also grew an inch and a half, so he's not filling out yet, just stretching out.  

CLOTHES:  We've had to retire the newborn size halo sleepsack because his legs are too long in it. But he is in all newborn stuff besides that.  We are putting him in more 0-3 months stuff now because his legs are long, but it all swims on him.  So I'm really liking the footless newborn clothes.  Speaking of feet, his are big!  He is still wearing newborn size diapers.

NURSING/SLEEP:  It's going wonderfully! He's eating ALL THE TIME.  And that's mostly because he won't take a paci.  He really wants to take one (and he's getting close) but his tongue thrust keeps pushing it out of his mouth. He's also trying to figure out how to suck on his fingers, but they don't cooperate with him most of the time and he gets mad.   He's eating every 2 hours around the clock.  I can sometimes get one 3 hour stretch during the day and one at the beginning of the night.  Starting at 5/6pm, he eats every hour-90 minutes.  And around 3/4am it's every hour and a half.  I'm looking forward to him stretching his feedings out a little, but I know he's adding on the pounds and it's good for him at this point. 

OTHER: The first 2 weeks he was a good little baby.  He slept all day and night.  I would set my alarm for every 3 hours to feed him.  And you already know the issues we had breastfeeding from my last post.  But as soon as family went back home and Nick went back to work the dreaded colic showed up.  Super!

I can honestly say Wesley has cried more in his 5 weeks of life than Tanner ever has in his entire life.  It breaks my heart.  He cries when he is sleepy, he cries when he has to poop, and sometimes he cries just because.  And when I say cries, it's more of a scream.  We've barely gone anywhere because I know Wesley will just scream.   I'm afraid to say it, but I will.  We started probiotic drops a week ago.  Today was day 7 of giving them to him.  And today is the second day in a row that he has acted like a normal baby.  FINGERS CROSSED this is how it will be from now on.  He just had some issues with his gut.  Poor guy.

Tanner is an amazing big brother.  He hasn't shown any signs of jealousy or any resentment towards him when he's crying all the time and has a lot of my attention.  I try really hard to include him in everything I'm doing.  And I talk and read books to him while I'm nursing.  He really loves his little brother.  Anytime he's on the floor doing tummy time Tanner is right there laying next to him.  And he worries about him when he cries.  The other day when Tanner woke up from his nap, heard him over the monitor talking about "Baby Weddy".  

You have no idea how long it took for us to get a picture of him NOT screaming. 

Nick had to do this over and over so we could try to get one good picture.  He's an angry baby.

I had to add this picture because this is the normal Wesley.  For this anti cry-it-out momma, having a colicky baby is so hard!

And because we love our Carolina Panthers, I had to add this comparison picture.  :)

Wesley's breastfeeding struggles

I was lucky enough to be able to breastfeed Tanner for 20 months.  He self weaned when I was in my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.  I figured since we had such an amazing breastfeeding journey (we fought through many issues but it always made us stronger) nursing my second baby was going to be a piece of cake.  Especially since we just stopped nursing 6 months ago.  Boy was I wrong. 

Wesley had some latching problems when he was first born.  Meaning, he just wouldn't latch, period.  Even if I attempted to use a nipple shield. So I was pumping around the clock at the hospital and attempting to get him to nurse as often as I could. He started losing weight (like normal), and the nurses were not happy with it. (For being a pro-breastfeeding facility they were pretty old school, unfortunately). The nurses were trying so hard to get me to supplement with formula, but my milk came in at 36 hours, and I knew I didn't need to do that. We attempted to use an SNS (supplemental nursing system), with pumped breast milk, in the hospital and at home, but it was incredibly frustrating and never really worked.  

At Wesley's first doctor visit he lost 14% of his birth weight.  The  pediatrician started freaking out and almost had us readmitted to the hospital.   Instead we had weight checks every couple of days.  I ended up having to try to nurse him, then pump, and then bottle feed him.  I was so worried about how I was going to be able to do this every 3 hours (when it took an hour and a half each time) and take care of my 2 year old at the same time.  This was the only time I felt like I had baby blues or the beginnings of depression.  I was crying all the time.  

We made an appointment with a lactation consultant and found out Wesley has a high arched palate, and that is the reason he wasn't latching.  She told us he would grow into it with time.  I was so relieved.  Because after doing a weighed feeding with the nipple shield, he was barely getting half an ounce of milk from me. 

(Reminder, we had this same problem with Tanner.  He wouldn't gain any weight until we weaned from the nipple shield).  I was determined to get Wesley to latch.  I didn't get my vbac. My incision had opened up again. I needed one thing to go my way. 

God heard my prayers. The day before Nick had to go back to work I decided to try to get Wesley to latch without the shield one more time. He did it!!! And he has never had any issues since! I don't even have any pain, he's got a perfect latch. It was like a light switch flipped, and he just figured it out! He was one day shy of two weeks old.  From that moment on I cut out the pumping.  I was so happy to have that extra time back.  I can actually spend time with Tanner during the day. 

Wesley is still a slow gainer though. But Tanner was, too, so I'm not worried.  Today Wesley weighed 7lbs 11oz. One ounce above his birth weight. He is nursing great now. And I'm happy with that.  I'm sure Wesley will be a little tank, just like Tanner is now.